Re: For The woman this concerns.

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Posted by Hunii (LeadOp) (Ranked 165 on Spades (Funcom) Ladder) on June 16, 2002 at 20:59:28:

In Reply to: For The woman this concerns. posted by DeffeningSilence on June 15, 2002 at 22:58:03:

: Ok, I will not mention the name of the person is directed to. I will leave that option for her.
: I am not by any means a perfect individual. In all honesty, I have only very recently started to find myself again. I have done very horrible deeds to very good people, and I do not deserve an ounce of forgiveness. This is a very good illustration of just how much damage chemical abuse can cause, and why I am so strong against it, in fact working with the law enforcement to help make a difference in my community. All in all, I have been perhaps one of the most hateful people you could have ever met. I know I have a good heart. I have finally started learning how to be good again, and to quit running from myself.
: This woman in particular, well, I can not find the words within me to accurately say just how wrong I crossed her. I lied to her, I manipulated her emotions, and ran from her when she started to find out a little bit of truth about me. And, she was right, I was a complete coward. I do regret doing what I did.
: I am still coping with a lot of habits I had integrated into my character over the past 5 years, and am slowly making progress in breaking them.
: When I was 18 years old, I enlisted into the Air Force. I was going into a career field that was part of my biggest dream come true, and was my true passion. I was to become a bomber offensive avionics technician. All my life, I had a deep affinity for aircraft. To me, it was the ultimate sign of freedom, a machine that could defy the very laws of gravity. After only 11 months of active duty, I was involuntarily separated due to underage drinking. When I arrived home, I couldn't face my parents, and tell them the truth. I was so ashamed. My father had never been more proud of me as the day I graduated my tech school. So, that is when I very first began to run from the truth.
: People say the truth can set you free. That is erroneous. Confessions set you free. The truth is what holds you to bondage. And, not long after I returned home, I began abusing narcotics in order to find an escape.
: For the next 4 years, I was so consumed by my drug abuse, I could not see past the tip of my nose. I didn't care about any other thing than getting high, wasted, blown out of my mind beyond compare. My only reason for holding jobs was to keep drug money. I couldn't resort to dealing, as I was too far into the abuse level, I would never be able to save some to sell. I then had other things to hide from. I even lied to myself, and actually started to believe my own demon telling me I was in control, and "everyone else is who is evil".
: I lied to people, I used people, and I abused relationships in efforts to find other means of comfort, as my tolerance for narcotics got so high, I practically was never in a euphoric state of mind.
: In October of last year, I lost everything I had left to my pathetic life. I was literally down to nothing. Only the clothes on my back, no home, no vehicle, NOTHING. Not even a job. It took that much for me to see past my own illusions. The hardest phone call I had ever had to make in my life, proved to be the start of the path I needed to get on. With tears of shame and suicidal thoughts, I called my mother from 50 miles away, asking her if she could help me get some professional help, and admitting to her that I was out of control with everything.
: It has been a very slow change for my lifestyle ever since. I have remained clean ever since that phone call last october, but other habits I am still trying to pinpoint and correct.
: For the particular woman I am addressing with this post, this is it. These are all the cards I am holding. I owed you the truth, and this is it. I was rotten for what I did, I know. I want sit here and say like an idiot that I never meant to hurt you. Even though it is the truth, it still does not excuse the fact that I did indeed abuse the friendship we had in a very cruel and hateful manner. I am ClassicRock, DeltaBoy, Chase_67, Bombrun, freudsig, just_another_stupid_name, ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE ME.
: SO, even still I have this name I can hide behind on screen, I am just Tony Gingrich. It is just me.
: You taught me a great deal in being honest. I know I was always the "doctor" in most of our conversations, but really, you were. If I could take back all the wrong I did, if I could pay to remove the past and change it, I would even if it meant my life. I am sorry that there is nothing I can do than simply humiliate myself in front of an entire ladder.
: Indeed, I could have kept quiet, and kept running. But, I want to make a change in my life, a continuing change. I could have stayed quiet, kept the respect of those people who do respect me, but it would not be the right thing to do. It would still make me a coward.
: I do not care what all bad things people may say about me after reading this post. In all actuallity, they may be very accurate with the rumors they might spread. But, I have to do something right about what I did wrong.
: Do I love you? I loved the friendship. I miss the friendship. But love? No, I never did want a relationship. But your friendship was indeed worth more than the world, and I tainted it with wrath of evil and insanity.
: But, this. This in this post, is me. Not just for you to see, but for everyone....................ClassicRock

You are right it takes alot to open up like that but it is the true way to start healing completely. It is a very hard thing to do. The girl in question here may never fully forgive the hurt she suffered but I am sure it will help ease the pain some knowing why it happened and that you was man enough to admitt it so openly. Freindships are very dear, and they can endure alot of pain but get damaged along the way but sometimes they will come back may take awhile to regain the trust you had to begin with but if you are truely wanting it back stay with never give up. You may be suprised, she may forgive you. Either way what you did was great and I hope you never return to that life again. Best of luck in the future and regaining that lost freindship. Just know it takes time to heal like it took time for you to hit the bottom. Hold your head up proud as you are on the right track . Now this is just my opinion, may not be worth much but I gave it any way.

Hunii

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: : Ok, I will not mention the name of the person is directed to. I will leave that option for her. : : I am not by any means a perfect individual. In all honesty, I have only very recently started to find myself again. I have done very horrible deeds to very good people, and I do not deserve an ounce of forgiveness. This is a very good illustration of just how much damage chemical abuse can cause, and why I am so strong against it, in fact working with the law enforcement to help make a difference in my community. All in all, I have been perhaps one of the most hateful people you could have ever met. I know I have a good heart. I have finally started learning how to be good again, and to quit running from myself. : : This woman in particular, well, I can not find the words within me to accurately say just how wrong I crossed her. I lied to her, I manipulated her emotions, and ran from her when she started to find out a little bit of truth about me. And, she was right, I was a complete coward. I do regret doing what I did. : : I am still coping with a lot of habits I had integrated into my character over the past 5 years, and am slowly making progress in breaking them. : : When I was 18 years old, I enlisted into the Air Force. I was going into a career field that was part of my biggest dream come true, and was my true passion. I was to become a bomber offensive avionics technician. All my life, I had a deep affinity for aircraft. To me, it was the ultimate sign of freedom, a machine that could defy the very laws of gravity. After only 11 months of active duty, I was involuntarily separated due to underage drinking. When I arrived home, I couldn't face my parents, and tell them the truth. I was so ashamed. My father had never been more proud of me as the day I graduated my tech school. So, that is when I very first began to run from the truth. : : People say the truth can set you free. That is erroneous. Confessions set you free. The truth is what holds you to bondage. And, not long after I returned home, I began abusing narcotics in order to find an escape. : : For the next 4 years, I was so consumed by my drug abuse, I could not see past the tip of my nose. I didn't care about any other thing than getting high, wasted, blown out of my mind beyond compare. My only reason for holding jobs was to keep drug money. I couldn't resort to dealing, as I was too far into the abuse level, I would never be able to save some to sell. I then had other things to hide from. I even lied to myself, and actually started to believe my own demon telling me I was in control, and "everyone else is who is evil". : : I lied to people, I used people, and I abused relationships in efforts to find other means of comfort, as my tolerance for narcotics got so high, I practically was never in a euphoric state of mind. : : In October of last year, I lost everything I had left to my pathetic life. I was literally down to nothing. Only the clothes on my back, no home, no vehicle, NOTHING. Not even a job. It took that much for me to see past my own illusions. The hardest phone call I had ever had to make in my life, proved to be the start of the path I needed to get on. With tears of shame and suicidal thoughts, I called my mother from 50 miles away, asking her if she could help me get some professional help, and admitting to her that I was out of control with everything. : : It has been a very slow change for my lifestyle ever since. I have remained clean ever since that phone call last october, but other habits I am still trying to pinpoint and correct. : : For the particular woman I am addressing with this post, this is it. These are all the cards I am holding. I owed you the truth, and this is it. I was rotten for what I did, I know. I want sit here and say like an idiot that I never meant to hurt you. Even though it is the truth, it still does not excuse the fact that I did indeed abuse the friendship we had in a very cruel and hateful manner. I am ClassicRock, DeltaBoy, Chase_67, Bombrun, freudsig, just_another_stupid_name, ALL THOSE PEOPLE ARE ME. : : SO, even still I have this name I can hide behind on screen, I am just Tony Gingrich. It is just me. : : You taught me a great deal in being honest. I know I was always the "doctor" in most of our conversations, but really, you were. If I could take back all the wrong I did, if I could pay to remove the past and change it, I would even if it meant my life. I am sorry that there is nothing I can do than simply humiliate myself in front of an entire ladder. : : Indeed, I could have kept quiet, and kept running. But, I want to make a change in my life, a continuing change. I could have stayed quiet, kept the respect of those people who do respect me, but it would not be the right thing to do. It would still make me a coward. : : I do not care what all bad things people may say about me after reading this post. In all actuallity, they may be very accurate with the rumors they might spread. But, I have to do something right about what I did wrong. : : Do I love you? I loved the friendship. I miss the friendship. But love? No, I never did want a relationship. But your friendship was indeed worth more than the world, and I tainted it with wrath of evil and insanity. : : But, this. This in this post, is me. Not just for you to see, but for everyone....................ClassicRock : : You are right it takes alot to open up like that but it is the true way to start healing completely. It is a very hard thing to do. The girl in question here may never fully forgive the hurt she suffered but I am sure it will help ease the pain some knowing why it happened and that you was man enough to admitt it so openly. Freindships are very dear, and they can endure alot of pain but get damaged along the way but sometimes they will come back may take awhile to regain the trust you had to begin with but if you are truely wanting it back stay with never give up. You may be suprised, she may forgive you. Either way what you did was great and I hope you never return to that life again. Best of luck in the future and regaining that lost freindship. Just know it takes time to heal like it took time for you to hit the bottom. Hold your head up proud as you are on the right track . Now this is just my opinion, may not be worth much but I gave it any way. : Hunii

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